You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.
I know it's the gentlemanly thing to let the wife file. But, then, everybody knows I'm no gentleman.
I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up!
When Jerry Lewis and I were big, we used to go to parties, and everybody thought I was big-headed and stuck up, and I wasn't. It was because I didn't know how to speak good English, so I used to keep my mouth shut.