When Jerry Lewis and I were big, we used to go to parties, and everybody thought I was big-headed and stuck up, and I wasn't. It was because I didn't know how to speak good English, so I used to keep my mouth shut.

Motivation is a lotta crap.

Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime.

There's a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.

When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's amore.

I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up!

The whole world is drunk and we're just the cocktail of the moment. Someday soon, the world will wake up, down two aspirin with a glass of tomato juice, and wonder what the hell all the fuss was about.