The whole world is drunk and we're just the cocktail of the moment. Someday soon, the world will wake up, down two aspirin with a glass of tomato juice, and wonder what the hell all the fuss was about.

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.

Everybody makes mistakes; look at Hitler.

When Jerry Lewis and I were big, we used to go to parties, and everybody thought I was big-headed and stuck up, and I wasn't. It was because I didn't know how to speak good English, so I used to keep my mouth shut.

The reason I drink is because when I'm sober I think I'm Eddie Fisher.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up!