It was a woman who drove me to drink. Come to think of it, I never did hang around to thank her for that. 'Hey lady! Do I look all blurry to you? 'Cause you look blurry to me!'

I once shook hands with Pat Boone, and my whole right side sobered up!

Brother, you can't go to jail for what you're thinking, or that look in your eye, just standing on the corner watching all the girls go by.

Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen every night in millions of bedrooms all over America...and that's why his last wife left him.

We try to find chemistry; we don't do a lot of situational baseball.

Milton Berle is an inspiration to every young person that wants to get into show business. Hard work, perseverance, and discipline: all the things you need...when you have no talent.

I was so drunk last night I fell down and missed the floor.