I can't text. My fingers are too big.

Most of the women placed in the fire department here in New York never passed the physical test. And a fat guy or a short guy, or anybody not passing the test in a life-or-death job, leads to friction.

I'm no day at the beach. And if it is a beach, it's Hampton Beach. Ever been there? It's not nice.

Most people don't know how underpaid and often ill-equipped urban fire departments are across North America.

If a character dies, you get to do a big, juicy death scene. But the flip side is you're out of the sequel, which is where the real money is.

I'm in my truck talking to Jesus. And you can see a World Series ring on my right pinkie finger. But when I take my sunglasses off a second later, it's gone. It's the whole divine intervention thing. You know Jesus had something to do with them winning.

Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual