The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don't give a rat's ass about the clueless.