Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.

The White House again refused to turn over discussions Vice President Cheney had with Enron officials over energy policy. Cheney said if he had to disclose every time some business donated a ton of money then came in to write its own policy to govern itself, he wouldn't get any work done.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.