American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

The good thing about Pittsburgh, it's a good place to be raised... it doesn't tolerate assholes. You're either a good guy or you're a bad guy... When I'm in Los Angeles having these incredibly surreal moments where nobody's saying anything and everybody's talking incessantly, I always have that Pittsburgh voice in my head - shut up, smile, get the job, move on.

I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.