American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.

Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff that it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the big macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.