American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.