American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.