Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my '68 Cutlass on our first date after watching 'Love Story' at the drive-in.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!