I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.