I'm glad I don't have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you'd be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.

The way I've always governed my life as far as fiscal policy goes is I'm smart enough to know that I'm dumb about it, so I surround myself with smart people in much the same way a hole surrounds itself with a doughnut. I just pay things off. That's all I do.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.