Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

America was founded by puritans and like it or not the anti-pleasure dogma of those buckled-shoed killjoys still pervades our collective unconscious like an I-max shot of Dennis Franz's naked hairy cop ass. Hence, anything enjoyable is automatically forbidden and bad and in our panic to avoid it at all cost we become obsessed with it... like dressing up in a pink teddy and a pair of ugboots and repeatedly screaming the word 'VERBOTEN!' into a conk shell balanced on the back on a miniature pony... Oh, I see.. That would just be me.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.