Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

At some point you cannot be the kid in the glass bubble in this world. You might've heard throughout your grade school and high school years that it was a safe, nice, warm, fair, feeling place... but it can get brutal when it gets competitive. Especially when you succeed. Watch the detractors come out of the walls at that point.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.

Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?