Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep.

Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator