Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

I haven't seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.

We've got Nancy Pelosi. She never shuts up. It's just occasionally we have to hood her like a falcon so we can get some sleep.

When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.