Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

I'd rather be funny than wise.

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.