Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!

Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

The quarterback's spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.