I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.