Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.

On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology.

I have sympathy for any human being that's driven by their limbic part of their brain. We all know that exists in a person.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Laughter is one of the great beacons in life because we don't refract it by gunning it through our intellectual prism. What makes us laugh is a mystery - an involuntary response.

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.