I'd rather be funny than wise.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

I have the distinction of speaking to you from one of the few countries that still has a communist party.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.