I'd rather be funny than wise.

I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.

The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew.

The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.