Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.

The very definition of the innate hollowness of leading a political life when you end up on your nearest and dearest moments or most personal evenings with donors. That should - that should tell you all you need to know about the ramble that is politics.