Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world is Hitler. Bush is Hitler, Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler. The only guy who isn't Hitler is the foreign guy with a mustache dropping people who disagree with him into the wood chipper. He's not Hitler.