Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.

After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?