It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O'Donnell's house.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

The next time you get the urge to shut somebody up because they don't see the world exactly the same way you do, take a deep breath, get out your Bill of Rights, and count to the ten amendments.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

Think of Iraq as "East Korea," because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to let him know we've now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty - in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come.

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.