Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

By and large, I think it should be a rule in the teacher employment manual that you can't go attend any event where if you took your classroom on a student field trip, they would summarily be obliterated. That should be rule No. 1.

After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.