Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.

The Patriots deflated balls are but an allegory for America's deflated balls in dealings with Putin, the Mullahs in Iran, and Islamic terrorists.

Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he ends up there. Gary Condit make sense to me. He's away from his family, he's in D.C. - if he was a car dealer in the [San Fernando] Valley somewhere out there, he'd be the guy who was trying to get laid by offering you the free undercoating package.