If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Nowadays, with history not being taught anymore in American public schools, self-esteem is taking its place.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

And I know your next move, I watch you so much, 'There's been no proven link between the secular state of Iraq and al-Qaeda!' Come on. They both think we're Satan. Isn't that a nice starting point? Why are you so loathe to believe they might have each other on lunatic speed dial?

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.