Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

I cannot tell you how proud watching that [Iraqi] war coverage makes me. I know a lot of people are saying that they think that it's, that you know what we're doing is imperialistic. I watch the way we handle ourselves over there and I've never felt more patriotic in my life.

Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

I'm a tad paranoid. I think the person in front of me is following me the long way round.