I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Technology is fine. . ., but that popular vision of the future, where you plug somebody in and leave them there and they don't get out and interact with actual flesh-and-blood humans - you know the answer before I say it - that's not good.

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.