I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.

I think [Ann Coulter] understands that, she's Pavlov's dog. She gets the corn kernel if she hits that drum once in a while.

Everybody is full of crap. The coin of the realm is being full of crap. The best people - being full of crap are our leaders and our superstars.

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?