Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.

Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!