Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff that it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the big macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

Let me use their own terminology against them. They aborted a child in the 200th trimester.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.