I preume there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep.

When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.