I preume there are far too many abortions performed in this country. And I also believe that at the end of the day, as much as I might disapprove, none of them are really any of my business.

So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.

I would call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.