Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents.

At some point you cannot be the kid in the glass bubble in this world. You might've heard throughout your grade school and high school years that it was a safe, nice, warm, fair, feeling place... but it can get brutal when it gets competitive. Especially when you succeed. Watch the detractors come out of the walls at that point.

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.