The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Teresa Lewis, the only woman on death row in Virginia, says she doesn't deserve the death penalty because she only hired the killers of her husband and stepson, she didn't actually pull the trigger herself. You know, she has a point. I think we should let her be able to hire the person who executes her, and not do yourself in! How's that, doll? Yeah! Get it over with quick, maybe Charlize Theron will sign up to play you.

Think of Iraq as "East Korea," because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to let him know we've now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty - in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come.

After September 11th, freedom of speech in America has become a topic that's touchier than a Vatican summer camp.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

Some people like M&Ms plain, and some people like them with nuts.