Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.

Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam "We're #1" finger.

I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you.

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.