Jerry Falwell says that abortion and homosexuality are sins. Oh yeah? Well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So maybe you should think about dropping 50 pounds.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women just want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

And by the way, my belief is that if men were the ones getting pregnant, abortions would be easier to get than food poisoning in Moscow.