I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

American's could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.

I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on TV, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.