We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

It's wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to 35 and your job still requires you wear a nametag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian. I'm not Ed Murrow up on the roof in a London fog reporting on the blitz.

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

Liberals always feel your pain. Unless of course, they caused it.