The left promises abortion rights and cradle to the grave protection, so the trick is to make it to the cradle.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

Drop the veneer periodically and be like "OK, I'm an imperfect human. Let's try to get through this."

They have an amazing proliferation of TV channels now: The all-cartoon channel, the 24-hour-science fiction channel. Of course, to make room for these they got rid of the Literacy Channel and the What's Left of Civilization Channel.

The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan's knee on souvenir pipe night.

Democratic candidate John Kerry on Tuesday chose fellow Senator John Edwards to be his running mate. Asked about Edwards' lack of foreign policy experience, Kerry revealed his new campaign slogan, 'I Promise Not to Die.'

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion