Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.

Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.

I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

I still feel pangs of remorse over an insidious habit I've had since I was a teenager. About three times a week, I attend estate auctions and make insulting, low-ball bids for prized heirlooms until I'm asked to leave.

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.