The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Pat Buchanan is so homo-phobic, he blames global warming on the AIDS quilt.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

I think the people can bash Catholics because they know Catholics won't kill them. Quite frankly, there's some religions out there, you bash and they're going to kill you.

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.