The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.