The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

How many of those dead animals you see on the highway are suicides?

The Mexican people I know seem to respect the country in a way that many spoiled brats who were born here don't. So come on over folks, the more the merrier. But please, sign the guest book on the way in.

Seems to me we move the furniture, the French come in later and put the doilies on top of it...It's a simple fact they've always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends and are almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to wishes of their enemies. And if they want to get their hands dirty now they're just gonna have to run 'em through their own hair.

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.