Homosexuals are entering the mainstream, because they're becoming as boring and as tedious as any other splinter group.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They're *football* players, for chrissakes!

Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff that it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the big macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.

When I said 'we', officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?