Everybody has to sell out at some point to make a living.

I haven't seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

Twitter! Never have lives been less lived and more chronicled!

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.