I'm left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that's when I'm right.

On Thursday, a passenger forced his way into the cockpit of a United Airlines flight from Miami, but was subdued after the co-pilot hit him with a small ax. Good to see our airlines are being kept secure by the latest in 12th century technology.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I have a nice house. And when somebody says it's a palace, I always feel like we're digging a little or something.