I find it shocking that anybody can be brought down in D.C. for gossip, ostensibly. I thought that was the coin of the realm there. That's like getting hit with lightning on a cloudless day.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

I'm actually equal parts cynicism and apathy. I'm always willing to believe the worst as long as it doesn't take too much effort.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

Somebody call Janet Reno - I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.