The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.

I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

I've seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.

Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.