That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That's the second hand, George.

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through 'Aida.'

Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff that it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the big macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.