That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

Lotto fever hit New York again this week, and like the old saying goes, 'You gotta be in it to win it'... but first, you gotta have a dead end job so pathetic you're willing to kill five hours standing in line for a 1 in 25 million chance.