I like money. It's fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It's just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a coin changer.

The ACLU spent this entire holiday season protesting public displays of the nativity scene. Yeah, that's the problem with America right now: Public displays of Christ's birth, that's the problem. It's unbelievable to me. The ACLU will no longer fight for your right to put up a nativity scene, but they'll fight for the right of the local freak who wants to stumble onto the scene and have sex with one of the sheep.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Al Gore couldn't be more phony if he were a professional Al Gore impersonator

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu's triplets!

Dennis Kucinich's politics are more scrambled than Rod Steiger's dream journal.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.