It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

Wouldn't it be great if all of Osama bin Laden's money was tied up in Enron stock?

I like the show [Factor] because it's horny, but it's not skeevy. Where else are you going to get that nowadays?

With Browns' ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the 'dog pound' are secretly calculating how much blood they're going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table.

In the late twentieth century, staying sober has become just as much an addiction as getting wasted.

I come from that earlier time in America when palm pilot was a nickname you recieved upon entering puberty! I was more than a palm pilot I was the palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe wrote a book about me called The Right Hand Stuff. I was the only guy in my class hip enough to move to the European grip.

Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.