Most Americans will let liberals and conservatives play their games because most Americans don't pay attention.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

Look, we're Americans: optimistic, addicted to the quick fix, constantly on the hunt for the new and exotic. It's much easier for us to accept a guy with a big white beard hawking his own custom blend of saw palmetto and squirrel dandruff that it is to hear a real doctor telling us to lay off the big macs, and get off our fat asses and take a walk every decade or so.

The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.