A third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. The reality? Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.

The American auto industry is blowing up like a 1976 Ford Pinto.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.