Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

It takes zero politically correct people to screw in a lightbulb because they are perpetually in the dark.

I'm extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.

I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets.

Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.