The Democrats continue to snipe at Bush. They'll never give it up to him. You know Teddy Kennedy and Tom Daschle pick more nits than a father and son spider monkey team who know they're being followed by a National Geographic film crew.

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

It's a cocktail-party circuit in D.C., That guy who couldn't master the guitar and get in a band and get laid, he ends up there. Gary Condit make sense to me. He's away from his family, he's in D.C. - if he was a car dealer in the [San Fernando] Valley somewhere out there, he'd be the guy who was trying to get laid by offering you the free undercoating package.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Some people like to travel by train because it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of an airplane.

Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?