I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.

...Humans were the only creatures in the world that ate their food cooked. You'd never find a Gorilla frying up some bananas for dinner or a lion charcoal-broiling a zebra steak. Cats don't often run to the oven with a mouse or bird they've captured, and a dog wouldn't naturally prepare its rabbit dinner in a stew.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

If you take 12 waters from the coconut - not the ones you buy in the store, although that's good - but the fresh coconuts, the little brown ones with the three eyes, if you take 12 of those within 24 hours, your blood will go back to the way it was when you were born.

That's easy, to stand in a nightclub, where most of the people that come in, they came to see you.