I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.

The funniest jokes you know aren't from comics but relatives, friends - from your life. That's the funniest stuff.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.

Truth is the baby of the world. It never gets old.

America is 5 percent of the world's population and consumes 96 percent of the world's hard drugs.

I feel that the same God-force that is the mother and father of the Pope is also the mother and father of the loneliest wino on the planet.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.