A lot of men think that if they smile for a second, somebody will take advantage of them, and they are right.

Golf is not sacred, and there is no use getting so gosh-darned solemn about it.

I wish I could stand on a busy corner, hat in hand and beg people to throw me all their wasted hours. If all you can see is your shadow, you're blocking your own light. If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

[Reviewing a production of Uncle Tom's Cabin] The dogs were poorly supported by the cast.

Don't ever slam a door, you might want to go back.

Some people have nothing but experience.

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.