A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.

Comic-strip artists do not make good husbands, and God knows they do not make good comic strips.

I had, out of my sixty teachers, a scant half dozen who couldn't have been supplanted by phonographs.

It takes a lot of things to prove you are smart, but only one thing to prove you are ignorant.

Be kind to dumb people.

A lot of men think that if they smile for a second, somebody will take advantage of them, and they are right.

The beggar is the only person in the universe not obliged to study appearance.