I had, out of my sixty teachers, a scant half dozen who couldn't have been supplanted by phonographs.

Conversation: The slowest form of human communication.

There is something distinctive about living in New York; over eight million other people are doing it.

Intellectuals should never marry; they won't enjoy it; and besides, they should not reproduce themselves.

If I had my life to live over, I'd pick more daisies.

I wish I were either rich enough or poor enough to do a lot of things that are impossible in my present comfortable circumstances.

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.